Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
