he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
