my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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