I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
