i wish my penis had a tongue
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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