I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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