I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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