When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Randomize
