ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
