You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
