the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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