Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
