I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
