At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
