Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
