I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
