she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
True strength comes from lack of pants
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
