I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
