I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.