i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
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She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
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Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"