how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.