I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
