She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We were destined to go to rehab together
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
