community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
