May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
