I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
