just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Randomize
