I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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