All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
