I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
