I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
