help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
