i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
