I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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