after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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