I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Randomize
