haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
