you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
