I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
