I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
