dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
