i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
