my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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