He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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