there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
