so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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