I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
