There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
