So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
