an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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