I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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