I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
