Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
