mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
