My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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