I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
