i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
