Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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