So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
