I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
